The Players:
IMF president - FUNDY
World Bank president - WB
Citi Bank president - CB
Military general - Gen
Argentina President - AP
Three female protestors - Argentine protestors
News Anchor - Dan Palaver- DP
John Q Public - John Q
Lady Q – voiceover and Narrator
Narrator - Sign holder
Props = 2 cell phones, TV, ? hat, general uniform, 3 ties, 3 golf clubs, toy tanks and soldiers, some papers, play money, a moustache, a mans wig, can of Bianca mouth spray, 3 protest signs (Fair trade Not Free Trade, Basta de Hambre, We Want A Living Wage etc.), name of character signs for: World Bank, Citi-Bank, Int. Monetary Fund, Argentine, Gen. Frank, John Q. Public, Dan or Diane, Presidente. Signs – Don’t Do It, Boo and applause
Scene 1:
The 3 bankers are in a semi-circle, middle stage and forward. FUNDY on stage left, WB on the right and CB stage in the middle.
FUNDY – Welcome WB, CB (shakes hands) come in, relax, can I get you a drink?
WB – alright FUNDY, what’s up, why are we here?
FUNDY – Have I got a deal for you.
CB – great, I knew you had something, oh this is going to be good I can tell.
FUNDY - CB this is going to make you filthy rich. This is such a good deal.
CB – oh yeah, gonna be rich. Oh yeah --- I knew it, I just knew I was gonna be rich.
FUNDY – I got a new way to get money from the colonies, I mean countries.
WB – whole countries?
FUNDY – whole continents! This is beyond anything we have done so far.
CB – what’s it going to be?
FUNDY – Socialism is our enemy right? Then lets commercialize socialism! We’ll monopolize the utilities, grab the pensions, de-regulate the banks, restructure the laws, and get big government off our backs!
WB- What do we call it? This plan, this formula, this .....
FUNDY – can’t call it what it is – commercialization, has a bad ring to it, at least in the bad part of town. These are public programs we will be taking over; so what’s the opposite of public?
(all three think a moment then WB shouts) PRIVATE!
FUNDY – Right; we will call it privatization. We are going to turn public programs into private business. After all, what’s good for business is good for civilization!
CB - I don’t get it. How does it work again?
FUNDY - CB you don’t get it because I haven’t explained it yet.
First we get them to bite on a loan. If they don’t want a loan we threaten them with sanctions. After they get the money, we set the conditions of the loan, conditions like raising the interest on the loan, we’ll call it a,,,,, floating interest loan or something nice sounding like a flexible strength loan.
WB- What happens when they can’t pay us back because we raised the interest on the loan too high?
FUNDY – We,,,,, weeeeee, (thinking a moment then the lights go on and his face lights up) we loan them more money! And we can formulate a plan that we both understand and exchange some of the debt for their utilities, and banks, and pensions and whatever they have. Then we sell these nuggets to our banker friends all over the world.
Bankers like you CB! The money will flow out of their country straight into our bank vaults and the stocks of our corporations. And we will call this (all three think a moment then CB, recites) LIBERALIZED CAPITAL!
WB - liberalizing the capital, I like it, sounds like freedom.
CB - freedom is an easy sell. Freedom is good!
FUNDY - Then we will choke the life out of them with our monopolies, I mean then we will be free to get the full value for our goods. We will call this (all three think a moment then one after the other FUNDY, CB, WB exclaim) MARKET- PRICING. FUNDY continues - Whatever we charge, that is the market price.
WB - Isn’t that called price fixing?
FUNDY - Not after we change the laws. Now the important part, we have to control the value of everyone’s money so we can control the trade in this new world order. Let’s see what would be a good name for this? What’s the opposite of controlled trade?
WB - the best trade is ‘FREE TRADE’ (then CB says with exuberance – Free Trade)
FUNDY - I like it! Freedom always has a good ring, people love freedom, even if they don’t know what it is. Excellent – ‘free trade’ it is.
CB - So controlled trade is free trade, then what?
FUNDY - Then we break the unions, and drive down the wages and the cost of labor.
CB - break the unions? That sounds messy.
FUNDY - Relax CB, we can negotiate with them, no wait, did I say negotiate? I mean we will meet their demand for lower wages. We will call this the ‘flexible work farce’, I mean force, the ‘flexible work force’. ( all laugh ha ha ha as CB and WB exit)
Now I will go and make the deal.
FUNDY puts on the Snidely Whiplash moustache and his eyes get shifty and sinister and then he goes over to El Presidente as he enters from stage left.)
NARRATOR – ( holds up ‘Don’t Do It’ sign and walks across the stage in front of the two men, the audience yells don’t do it)
FUNDY - Have I got a deal for you Mr. President.
EP - Si.
FUNDY - We want to loan you some money and it's practically with no strings attached.
EP – Si.
FUNDY – We want to make you a small loan & give you some Foreign aid. It’s our way of saying thank you, you’re doing a great job here in Argentina promoting Democracy and economic opportunity.
EP - Si
FUNDY - So what can we start you off with? $5 billion? Ten? Twenty-five?
EP - Si
FUNDY - ok twenty-five it is. Thank you very much, you won’t regret it. Just sign here.
FUNDY pulls out a pen and a roll of toilet paper. Then the toilet paper – about a quarter roll - falls out of Presidente’s hands and rolls across the stage as he holds on to one end of the roll. Then FUNDY picks up the roll and gathers it in as he encourages Presidente to sign the simple little contract for the loan.) and sing here, and here, and there, see how simple this contract is. You won’t regret this, oh and here is a little cash, for your kids’ college fund. (Presidente signs the documents then FUNDY goes back to center stage and begins golfing with his friends who have spread out to practice their swings and putts stage right. Presidente just stands there with a blank look on his face as he wads up the paper and stuffs it in his pocket.
Scene2: Argentine housewives and workers come out stage left of the Pres. The El Presidente is slightly left of center stage. The Narrator also enters to front & center stage and speaks first.
NARRATOR- It has been a 10 short years for El Presidente, and now he is having some trouble getting his citizens to pay off the loans. The original $25 billion dollar loan has been paid off 6 times and the country still owes $147 billion. Let’s join the conversation between the Presidente and the citizens of Argentina. (Narrator exits)
EP - you must pay more taxes to pay off the loan
A1 - but what about our schools
A2 - what about our roads
A3 - we have no medicine for our hospitals, we have no hospitals!
A1 - the bridges and our ports are crumbling
A2 - we have no jobs
A3 - we are starving!
EP - stop your whining, you people are so dismal, all you think about is me, me, me, mine, mine, mine. You need to get off welfare and change your attitude. We will discuss this later, we have to make this loan payment or I am out of a job / I mean we have to think about employment. Just a little bit more time and a lot harder work and we will pay off our loans and then we will have more jobs and we can fix the schools and the roads and hospitals. OK?
A3 - No, that is not OK. We are starving and it only getting worse. It has been this way for ten years. We have no food.
EP - don’t worry, I have a friend in the UN, I will call him and get some flour, sugar and cooking oil sent down. You like fry bread don’t you?
NARATOR - holding up the Boo sign at front left stage ----
PROTESTORS - The Argentines pick up their signs and begin protesting, walking in a circl shouting a few demands. EP gets on the cell phone and calls FUNDY. They talk a moment (in silence)- EP is upset. The protestors surround EP and ferry him off the stage left- waving their signs an showing their discontent. FUNDY enters from stage right putting his cell phone away. The other two bankers are behind him and begins to speak to them as they all move to center stage.
FUNDY - Alright gather up, we got a problem here; a big problem. (The bankers huddle together)
CB - I knew it, I knew this was bad, I should have listened to my wife, I should have sold last month. I could have been rich, now I don’t know. Do you know how much Harvard costs these days? A lot, and I got three kids in high school. I should have sold, I should have sold, I knew it.
FUNDY - knock it off will ya. It's not that bad. We can still do this, globalization will work, we just need more debt to service.
WB - Ok what is it, what happened?
CB- we’re all going to the poor house. I knew it, I should have sold.
FUNDY - (turns to WB) will you shut this guy up? This is the last time you bring this whiner to any of our meetings, OK?
WB - OK, so what’s up?
FUNDY - It's Argentina
CB - I knew it, I knew it, I should have sold.
FUNDY - They won’t pay, and they don’t want to play.
WB - they must pay, it's in the contract! (pulls out a piece of toilet paper that represents the contract and points to it while facing the audience)
CB- (begins pacing while muttering to himself) oh this is bad, so bad, I can’t believe it. What is my wife going to say. Shit it was her money! (he paces while continuing to mutter softly)
FUNDY - We need more leverage. WB, get the general! (FUNDY and CB exit stage right)
(WB calls for the general by raising his hand, signaling to someone like he was hailing a cab)
WB - Hey Colon Power, over here.
(The general appears from the rear stage left and walks over to WB)
GEN - Yes Sir, what can I do for you?
WB - Colon, I want you to go on a sales trip to Argentina. We need to get the Presidente some support, real support, like military aid. Get him stocked up, you know the usual: tanks, SWAT gear, pepper spray. His people are getting restless.
GEN - Yes Sir (at the same time he gives a snappy crisp salute, and waits for WB to return the salute. There is none so he repeats his Yes Sir and salute. WB returns the salute sheepishly, obviously not accustomed to saluting. The Gen begins to walk over to EP when WB calls to him)
WB - Oh Power, here, you’ll need this. (he takes off his moustache and hands it to the general)
Gen - gee thanks, you think of everything
WB - I know, that’s why I make the BIG bucks.
(EP enters from stage left. The GEN turns and walks over to the pres and they shake hands.)
GEN - Hello Mr. Presidente.
EP - (the pres is stunned by the protestors and stands there with a blank dazed look on his face) Hello (he finally says slowly, not too happy)
(The GEN starts his sales pitch. In his left hand he has a toy soldier, a canon, a tank, and a can of Bianca. He displays them one at a time while saying the following)
GEN - (with the enthusiasm of a salesman) could I interest you in some foreign aid? Some soldiers? Some artillery? We have some great tanks here. Oh, you will love this new pepper spray. It was tested on the WTO riots in Seattle in ’99 - it works great. People think twice about protesting after they get hit with this stuff.
EP - (with a little enthusiasm) and this is going to keep the protestors quiet?
GEN - once they get some of this spray in their eyes they won’t protest anymore, oh yeah. This is the way to go; it’s stronger, longer lasting and less-lethal than rubber bullets. Preferred by 9 out of 10 protestors as their ideal way to be immobilized.
EP - (with a little more enthusiasm) OK give me 1,000 gallons of pepper, 1,000 soldiers and 50 tanks,,,,,, and we need training, lots of training.
GEN - hold on there partner, this isn’t a candy store. You are an eager one. Alright here’s what I can do; 3,000 soldiers 100 tanks and we will throw in 2,000 gallons of pepper spray for free. Ok?
EP - Are you sure this will work?
GEN - Of course it will work. It is working in over 29 countries world-wide: Kosovo, Panama, Columbia, now that’s power! Relax - send your boys to our training camp in Georgia for a little summer vacation.
EP - you mean the school?
GEN - yes, the School of the Americas. You are an American right?
EP - Si senor. You drive a hard bargain senor - OK
(WB and FUNDY enter stage right and work on their golf swings) EP and the GEN shake hands and the GEN slaps EP on the back. The general hands over some little men and toy tanks, then EP hands over the cash. GEN quickly counts the cash and gives a bill to EP and puts a bill in his pocket then heads over to the bankers who are playing golf in the background. He salutes FUNDY before giving him the cash. FUNDY puts a bill in the General’s pocket then gives WB some dough and stuffs the rest in his pocket.
Meanwhile the protestors are amping up their shouting and marching. They are chanting,“Enough Hunger” “Fair Trade NOT Free Trade” and other chants as they circle round the Presidente.
Their signs are waving and then EP pulls out his toy soldiers. He points at one of the protestors and makes shooting sounds like a little boy playing with his little men: pssweeewwsh, spssesssh, they don’t move back and he sprays them with the bianca and it is pointed in the wrong direction and he sprays himself. Then he pulls out his tank and shoots at the A3 protestor making a bomb sound.
A3 - ouch! You hit me (she hits the pres over the head with her sign in retaliation then continues marching. Then the tank in EP’s hand dies and falls to the floor. EP gets out the plane and makes bomb sounds; poeoooohhhh, sphish, powaaawsh-the situation escalates as the protestors begin banging on pots and pans. EP hunches down and gets out his cell phone to make a call to FUNDY; during the call the noise is quiets down some, enough for Presidente to be heard shouting over the phone)
EP – Senor, we got a beeg problem here.
FUNDY - hey can’t you see I’m golfing?
EP - they will not calm down. The people are rebelling.
FUNDY - can you make the payment?
EP - what?
FUNDY - the payment; can you make the payment?
EP - NO we can’t make the payment
FUNDY - do you need more money?
EP - I don’t think you understand?
FUNDY - do you need more guns? We can get you more guns.
(then A1 and A2 begin banging loudly on pots and pans and the noise picks up and becomes so over whelming that they cannot hear and they are cut off - the protestors surround Presidente and take him off stage left)(FUNDY and WB go to front center stage)
WB - who was that?
FUNDY - oh that was El Presidente, he is having problems with a rebellion.
WB - rebellion? Sounds like a serious problem.
FUNDY - not as serious as my lie her on the 9th. I hate these sand traps. Hey don’t worry, this is the third riot this month. El Presidente is well stocked, he can handle it.
And don’t tell CB.
WB - you’re sure it’s alright?
FUNDY - no problema as they say in Argentina.
WB - These Latinos just don’t know how to run a country. You have to show them everything. This is risky business, maybe we should get out.
FUNDY - you haven’t gotten out yet?
(Exit the bankers stage right and enter Dan Palaver and John Q stage left with their props. DR is talking over the top of a TV on a chair to John Q Public seated in front of the TV about 4 feet away with his back to the audience, he has his hat on, the narrator enters to front center stage, speaks then exits)
NARRATOR - Meanwhile back in the states the public is getting their pre-digested news.
DP - Hi Dan Palaver here, Good Evening, tonight’s top story is ‘Turmoil in Argentina’. For the third time this month the people of Argentina have taken to the streets, looting stores and making a big mess. Millions of housewives were banging on pots and pans and making a lot of noise, but why? Are they protesting for fun? or maybe its the 40% unemployment. No one knows for sure. But the fact remains, there is widespread unrest in the richest country in Latin America and once again the protestors have failed to get their message across. Regardless of who is to blame the government owes $147 billion dollars and is accused of misusing the money, is there corruption? No one knows for sure, tune in tonight for the real story on Night Line called ‘Argentina - A History of Corruption’. More on Argentina after the break.
LADY Q from off-stage - Honey what’s that about Argentina? (DP turns his name sign around and it reads commercial)
JOHN Q - Oh it's nothing dear, just some looting going on. Something about corrupt gov’t and the people are really pissed off because they are out of work, you know, the usual third world stuff.
DP - (doing a commercial) Are you really depressed? Always worried? Are you full of fear and afraid to leave the house? Maybe you have General Anxiety Disorder. 9 out of 10 people have this disease and now there is a cure, Co-Axel. Co-Axel will grease your mind and lubricate your thoughts better than Prozac and Zolof combined. Feel happy again, tolerant, comatose. Take Co-Axel, just ask your doctor to be sure if it is right for you. (fast talk) Warning: may cause kidney failure, nausea, blindness, and near death experience.
JOHN Q - (looking around his seat at first) Honey is it time to take my pill? Honey where are my pills, I think it's time for the green one, you know the happy one. (then he stands up and faces the audience ) Well I’m glad I’m a good citizen and I watch the evening news. I guess it's just a matter of staying informed on things so I can have a good sound opinion while I continue shopping and taking those pretty green pills. Life is good!
(Narrator holds up ‘APPLAUSE - THE END’ sign and walks across stage)
